7 Years ago I knew something was off. I was struggling. Trying to keep my head above water. Things in my world had shifted, and I was wrestling with my identity. I was fighting the desire to fit in, instead of finding where I belong. The difference between the two is that you change who you are to fit in. Belonging means you're already there. Loved and accepted for the authentic you. 4 years ago after a few comments from my tribe, I went to the Doctor. Some of my tribe comments were;
"You're not your bubbly self anymore."
"Elle, I feel like you've lost your sparkle."
And well.... I won't type the final one. AJ.... 😒
The long and short of it was that I started intense counselling with a wonderful Psychologist. My depression and anxiety were not chemical, yet. They were situational. It's been an ongoing process of figuring some stuff out. Im still not there. Which leads me to the last 10 months....
Stuff had been building up again. A lot of it had to do with finding a healthy work/life/health balance. I am NOT knocking this one out of the park. I started to unravel again.... Although, my funny girl psychologist very politely pointed out to me that to be able to unravel, you have to first be ravelled. Nicely played..... 😏
So, I've been in survival mode since late June. I've struggled to sleep. I've gained weight. I've had chest tightening anxiety that made it hard to breathe. I've cried until my face was puffy. I've woken up screaming, sweating, and terrified. I've also loved. I've hugged. I've laughed my fool head off. Then I've collapsed onto my bedroom floor with exhausted, shoulder shaking sobs. And so I chose to keep my life off social media....... It's amazing to me who really knows me, and who knows social media me. My highlight reel.
I love blogging. I love writing. It helps me to clarify all that is in my head. But I haven't been able to. I didn't know how to pour my heart out, share my life, my struggles, my incredible joy, and not invite unwanted opinion/advice onto me and my precious family. My precious family that has expanded by two. I am so blessed.... 💖
Last June I was put on a mail route that challenged everything in me. I was putting in 8, 10, 12, and some brutal 14 hour days, 5 days a week. For 3 months. I lost my summer. I lost time with my family, what I thought was the last summer of all my MENN home. It was the final straw. I was a mess. So, in September I packed a bag, gassed up Cypress, called up KV, and we hit the open road.
We were road trippin' together, and she travelled with me all the way to my Island home. I cried as I showed her my childhood world. The once perfect world that shattered when I was still tiny. I wanted to throw myself into my old front yard, lay in the grass one more time. Pretend I could go back in time. Feel free. (Can you even IMAGINE the reaction of the home owners?? 😂)
On day 3 of my trip, after showing her the last of my roots, I dropped KV off at the airport to fly back to AB, and continued on my way. I was heading north. I needed ocean. I needed mountains. I needed to get a hug from Jane. I went to Sointula. That magical place where the 2.0 part of my life started. I was hoping for a storm. I wanted to sit on the beach and rage like the wind and waves. But you know what happened instead? Peace. Calm waters, hugs, friendship, and love. I cried a lot. I received, and gave, as much love as my heart had. I soaked up as much of life there as I could.
I met a niece, nephew, and sister in law that I'd never met. I fell in love. I hugged my sister and brother in law whom I love fiercely. And then I left. I cried on and off my whole drive down Island. I phoned Jody. My soft spot. The holder of my heart. I tried to process the strength of thoughts. I struggled.
I then met an old friend for a quick tea date, and it was so nice to not have to explain the background story. To just exhale and be. Catch up. Then off to the southern tip of the Island where I fell in love with another niece and nephew I'd never met, hugged another sister in law that holds a piece of my heart, and then sunk onto the couch of my longest running friend, and the one who knows me like no other. I needed a beer. I needed to laugh until my sides hurt.
On my way back to AB I stopped to soak up as much love as I could from some of the most important people in my life. My Grandma, my Great Aunt, and my Aunt and Uncle. When I'm with them, I'm just Ellerie. They've always known me, loved me, and been there. There's no use pretending I'm someone I'm not. They can see right through that. Then, an amazing analogy for the following months happened! I stopped to visit some friends on the way home, and Lori asked? "Wanna ride the Revelstoke Pipe?" Yeah, man! I was in..... Then I rode the brake. I should have;
Just. Let. Go.
Leaned into the curves. Trusted the system. It was a blast, but I need to go again. Let go for the wild ride. The twists and turns. The stomach turning drops. Who knew I was in for a bit more of that in life?
This is where life gets a bit crazy.... All in the space of a month;
Morgan and Olivia find out they are expecting their first baby! 💝 I'm gonna be a Grandma!
Canada Post employees go on a rotating strike. Right before Christmas. All vacation, sick leave, and time off is cancelled. 👎 I've never experienced such support and hate, all in the same 3 hour time frames. People are cruel. People are beautiful. It was not an experience I feel the need to ever repeat. It was 5 weeks of frustration and stress. Did I mention it was also right before Christmas?
Morgan and Olivia get engaged! I'm getting my first daughter! 💖
Then I get the phone call every person dreads..... Jody's been in a terrible MVA on Hwy 63. He's on his way to the hospital via ground ambulance, only to be flown by air ambulance to Edmonton for possible neck fractures. My husband is totally beat up, in terrible pain, our truck is upside down 130 feet from the highway, and life as we know it has changed forever. And I can't take time off....
After bringing Jody home from the hospital, trying to settle in to our new normal, preparing for winter, Christmas, a wedding, and a Grandbaby, life felt overwhelming with the good, the bad, and the ugly of raw emotion. Fear and anxiety would often trump my joy. Hardship and over tiredness could easily win over my celebration. I struggled to reach out and ask for help. I couldn't sleep.
Eventually joy won out, as we celebrated new beginnings and family.... 💕
With January came some of the coldest weather I've ever had to deal with. Working in it was sapping any extra energy I had. Sleep continued to elude me and nightmares of what could have been would wake me from the little sleep I get. The deep freeze of weather continues.
Snow begins to melt, and a new life joins our family in the form of one of the sweetest babies I've ever laid eyes on....
Kaleb York Koskela
March 13th,2019
Sleep starts to come with some help from my Doctor. Nightmares give way to dreams of warmer days. I'm back on track... For now. I'm finding where I belong. I'm getting better at leaning into unconditional love. Slowly, but oh, so slowly I'm learning what it's like to balance my work/life/health.
I can say no to work. The love of my life has once again cheated death. We get to be called Grandma and Grandpa. Together.
I'm working on ravelling my 3 stranded chord.
