My 10 Months Of Growth And Reflection

7 Years ago I knew something was off. I was struggling. Trying to keep my head above water. Things in my world had shifted, and I was wrestling with my identity. I was fighting the desire to fit in, instead of finding where I belong. The difference between the two is that you change who you are to fit in. Belonging means you're already there. Loved and accepted for the authentic you. 4 years ago after a few comments from my tribe, I went to the Doctor. Some of my tribe comments were;

"You're not your bubbly self anymore."

"Elle, I feel like you've lost your sparkle."

And well.... I won't type the final one. AJ.... 😒

The long and short of it was that I started intense counselling with a wonderful Psychologist. My depression and anxiety were not chemical, yet. They were situational. It's been an ongoing process of figuring some stuff out. Im still not there. Which leads me to the last 10 months.... 

Stuff had been building up again. A lot of it had to do with finding a healthy work/life/health balance. I am NOT knocking this one out of the park. I started to unravel again.... Although, my funny girl psychologist very politely pointed out to me that to be able to unravel, you have to first be ravelled. Nicely played..... 😏

So, I've been in survival mode since late June. I've struggled to sleep. I've gained weight. I've had chest tightening anxiety that made it hard to breathe. I've cried until my face was puffy. I've woken up screaming, sweating, and terrified. I've also loved. I've hugged. I've laughed my fool head off. Then I've collapsed onto my bedroom floor with exhausted, shoulder shaking sobs. And so I chose to keep my life off social media....... It's amazing to me who really knows me, and who knows social media me. My highlight reel. 

I love blogging. I love writing. It helps me to clarify all that is in my head. But I haven't been able to. I didn't know how to pour my heart out, share my life, my struggles, my incredible joy, and not invite unwanted opinion/advice onto me and my precious family. My precious family that has expanded by two. I am so blessed.... 💖

Last June I was put on a mail route that challenged everything in me. I was putting in 8, 10, 12, and some brutal 14 hour days, 5 days a week. For 3 months. I lost my summer. I lost time with my family, what I thought was the last summer of all my MENN home. It was the final straw. I was a mess. So, in September I packed a bag, gassed up Cypress, called up KV, and we hit the open road.

We were road trippin' together, and she travelled with me all the way to my Island home. I cried as I showed her my childhood world. The once perfect world that shattered when I was still tiny. I wanted to throw myself into my old front yard, lay in the grass one more time. Pretend I could go back in time. Feel free. (Can you even IMAGINE the reaction of the home owners?? 😂) 

https://youtu.be/pXRviuL6vMY

On day 3 of my trip, after showing her the last of my roots, I dropped KV off at the airport to fly back to AB, and continued on my way. I was heading north. I needed ocean. I needed mountains. I needed to get a hug from Jane. I went to Sointula. That magical place where the 2.0 part of my life started. I was hoping for a storm. I wanted to sit on the beach and rage like the wind and waves. But you know what happened instead? Peace. Calm waters, hugs, friendship, and love. I cried a lot. I received, and gave, as much love as my heart had. I soaked up as much of life there as I could.

 

I met a niece, nephew, and sister in law that I'd never met. I fell in love. I hugged my sister and brother in law whom I love fiercely. And then I left. I cried on and off my whole drive down Island. I phoned Jody. My soft spot. The holder of my heart. I tried to process the strength of thoughts. I struggled. 

I then met an old friend for a quick tea date, and it was so nice to not have to explain the background story. To just exhale and be. Catch up. Then off to the southern tip of the Island where I fell in love with another niece and nephew I'd never met, hugged another sister in law that holds a piece of my heart, and then sunk onto the couch of my longest running friend, and the one who knows me like no other. I needed a beer. I needed to laugh until my sides hurt. 

On my way back to AB I stopped to soak up as much love as I could from some of the most important people in my life. My Grandma, my Great Aunt, and my Aunt and Uncle. When I'm with them, I'm just Ellerie. They've always known me, loved me, and been there. There's no use pretending I'm someone I'm not. They can see right through that. Then, an amazing analogy for the following months happened! I stopped to visit some friends on the way home, and Lori asked? "Wanna ride the Revelstoke Pipe?" Yeah, man! I was in..... Then I rode the brake. I should have; 

Just. Let. Go. 

Leaned into the curves. Trusted the system. It was a blast, but I need to go again. Let go for the wild ride. The twists and turns. The stomach turning drops. Who knew I was in for a bit more of that in life?

This is where life gets a bit crazy.... All in the space of a month;

Morgan and Olivia find out they are expecting their first baby! 💝 I'm gonna be a Grandma!

Canada Post employees go on a rotating strike. Right before Christmas. All vacation, sick leave, and time off is cancelled. 👎 I've never experienced such support and hate, all in the same 3 hour time frames. People are cruel. People are beautiful. It was not an experience I feel the need to ever repeat. It was 5 weeks of frustration and stress. Did I mention it was also right before Christmas?

Morgan and Olivia get engaged! I'm getting my first daughter! 💖

Then I get the phone call every person dreads..... Jody's been in a terrible MVA on Hwy 63. He's on his way to the hospital via ground ambulance, only to be flown by air ambulance to Edmonton for possible neck fractures. My husband is totally beat up, in terrible pain, our truck is upside down 130 feet from the highway, and life as we know it has changed forever. And I can't take time off.... 

After bringing Jody home from the hospital, trying to settle in to our new normal, preparing for winter, Christmas, a wedding, and a Grandbaby, life felt overwhelming with the good, the bad, and the ugly of raw emotion. Fear and anxiety would often trump my joy. Hardship and over tiredness could easily win over my celebration. I struggled to reach out and ask for help. I couldn't sleep. 

Eventually joy won out, as we celebrated new beginnings and family.... 💕

With January came some of the coldest weather I've ever had to deal with. Working in it was sapping any extra energy I had. Sleep continued to elude me and nightmares of what could have been would wake me from the little sleep I get. The deep freeze of weather continues.

With March comes signs of spring. A replacement truck is bought so Jody can return to work.

Snow begins to melt, and a new life joins our family in the form of one of the sweetest babies I've ever laid eyes on.... 

Kaleb York Koskela

March 13th,2019

Sleep starts to come with some help from my Doctor. Nightmares give way to dreams of warmer days. I'm back on track... For now. I'm finding where I belong. I'm getting better at leaning into unconditional love. Slowly, but oh, so slowly I'm learning what it's like to balance my work/life/health. 

I can say no to work. The love of my life has once again cheated death. We get to be called Grandma and Grandpa. Together. 

I'm working on ravelling my 3 stranded chord. 

Love & Consent

OK.... Ive had something on my mind now for a while. I've been thinking, praying, chewing, mulling, and seeking some truth. I'd love some discussion on it.

We don't struggle with rebellious hearts amongst our MENN.

They've chosen to disobey at times, but blatant defiance or rebellion has never really been an issue. When they were really little, they were disciplined for the 3 D's. Disrespect, disobedience and defiance. Since it was usually one of the first 2, we never really had too many defiant moments. If the decision to disobey came into question, generally it was done out of a place of human selfishness, rather then a place of blatant rebellion. Make sense? As they got older we'd have a discussion on why they chose the way they did. It was usually quite enlightening....

Anyway, over a year ago I read an article on teaching boys about consent. It really criticized Moms and put the ball in our court. It stated that we are the first women in our boys lives and we teach them that no means no. By giving in to their demands and not sticking to our guns with our no, we're teaching them that if they push hard enough they can get their way. I sat back..... Was that true? Was there truth to that statement??? All of a sudden I was like.... "Gah! I've failed!!! I've given in. I've allowed them to push a bit until I said yes! Even when I would have preferred to say no!" OR, felt guilty.

Then I took a chill pill and the mulling started. Really? I get where the author was coming from, (you can see this way of thinking in quite a few cultures) but it really didn't take into account the exhausted Mom, who gave into tv, because she could nap in the chair. It didn't take into account the Mom who needed just 10 more minutes to finish supper so she gave in to more iPad time. Stuff like that.... Then I started the boiling down process.

For example, our boys don't really have a curfew. They've never really needed one. Until recently. After a bit of a struggle, discussion, and negotiation, we all came to the conclusion that they should be home by 10:30 PM on one of my work nights, and all other nights are negotiable based on need. My work nights can be negotiated based on need as well, like a concert, or something where the date and time are set by an outside source. The reason? I don't always sleep well after 4:30 AM, and so my pre-midnight sleep is very precious to me. I also don't sleep very well knowing the boys aren't home, and so I was getting sleep deprived. Rather then make a rule, we had a discussion on the problem and tried to figure out a fix. The boys all understood and were happy to accommodate my sleep schedule. Not out of obedience, but out of love and respect for my needs too. They know I struggle with Chronic Fatigue syndrome. They know I struggle with migraines when sleep deprived. They've seen it, and they get it. However, I also understand that they are all young MENN with social lives, and so that is why I'm willing to negotiate.

Now, I recognize here that the question of sneaking out arises, but that would be more an act of rebellion for them, and like I stated earlier, that's not who they are. They may push the curfew a bit, like you know....You're out, you're having fun, you don't want to leave, so the curfew gets pushed to 10:45 or 10:58.... 😏 That's more of a selfish human nature issue then a rebellion issue. I get it. I push limits too. Ever calculated just that sweet spot number where you know you can push the speed limit but they won't stop you? Yeah, selfish human nature. Now, ripping' it at 130 through a school zone? Defiant rebellion.... So, yeah. Sneaking out is not a problem in our house. Plus, you might get out.... But you'd NEVER get back in unannounced. 

(Have I ever mentioned how much I love this guy?? 😍)

Stuff like this is what keeps bringing me back to thoughts on that article. When they were little, I taught them to obey their Mama with a heart of love. I didn't teach them to be obedient robots. I taught them that sometimes rules can be negotiated. I didn't teach them to push until they got their way. I taught them to love me. I taught them to respect me. As their Mom I knew from day one I was raising some lucky girl's husband. I was raising some lucky kids Dad. It wasn't about obedience. It wasn't about consent. It's about teaching them to love. It's about teaching them to be empathetic. It's about teaching them to respect the needs of others. It's about teaching them to look past their own immediate gratification and to deny themselves for the sake of the good of others. I think that's what it is about.

So tired, exhausted Mamas.... Don't feel bad when you get railroaded into something, but make it a teachable moment. Open up the discussion, open up the debate. Don't just make a rule that the kiddos have to obey, but also don't let them get away with whatever they want! Teach them.

Teach them to love you. Teach them to respect you. Allow them to be right and acknowledge it. Teach them that they will be wrong and to admit it. Then teach them to love some more..... 💗

   

You won't regret it. 

Father's Day

Hey Girls! Let's not make Father's Day about us, OK? We have Mother's Day for that. Let's also not tread so softly around the fatherless that we ruin it for the kids who want to celebrate their Dads. OK?

I'm legally considered an orphan. Did you know that? As a child, if your father dies, you are labeled an orphan.

Grade 2 was my first fatherless Father's Day, and I in no WAY wanted it ruined for everyone else. Why would I? I sent the T-Shirt I made in school to my Uncle Ken. Was it awkward? Maybe.... I don't really remember. But I also don't remember wanting my classroom teacher to cancel the Father's Day celebrations. I don't remember feeling left out. I don't remember hating it. Do I remember missing my Dad? 100%! Still do. Do I remember wishing I had a Dad to pick me up, swing me around, love me, hug me, play with me, and celebrate with? Absolutely. Never would I want to take that away from some other child though. Ever. That's terrible.

Many of us grow up without Dads. I get it. It sucks. You know what though?? It's OUR journey. It's our cross to bare. It's never a fault of our own, but it's our life to maneuver. If in grade 2, my teacher had cancelled the Father's Day projects to protect my fragile heart, what would that teach everyone? My Dad had only died 2 months before. Nope. Mrs Olsen handed me a shirt and asked if there was a super man in my life I could celebrate instead. It was what my precious heart needed. I didn't want to be singled out. I was already different enough now being fatherless. She did the right thing.

We also need to stop making it about Moms. Girls, we have a day. Let's leave this one to the guys, OK? It doesn't matter who you are, if you are a human, you have a contributing man in your life. Maybe thats all he did was give you life, maybe he wasn't the man you needed, but that doesn't justify making today about Moms. Let's celebrate the good ones. Let's celebrate the men who gave life, stuck around, stepped up, and have hung on for the ride. Let's for one day step aside and help these kids celebrate the amazing men in their lives, or lets help them celebrate just who THEY are because they are half him! Most of us chose the father of our children. Why make the child feel bad for that? Pick something to celebrate! Just not us.... Help our children look farther past that like Mrs. Olsen did with me. There are a ton of amazing men in my life who helped me along the way. Ones who set the bar, ones who gave me a fatherly hug, ones who were just present. Each one played a role in being a father figure, and I love and appreciate each and every one of them.

When I started dating I remember thinking to myself.... "Do I want this guy to father my children?" I think because of my own experience, that was a question really close to my heart.  It was a big decision for me!

I chose THIS guy, and I'm so glad I did. I wanted someone strong, stable, grounding, and loving. He has proven to be all of the above. 

When Morgan (our oldest son) was 5 months old, Jody was diagnosed with cancer. I remember a dark, stormy, January night at around 2:00 AM, I was up nursing Morgan with tears streaming down my face. I was praying;

"God, please don't ask my precious son to grow up Fatherless. This was MY journey. MY cross. Please, please don't ask this of him too. If you do have this as part of the plan for his life too, God I promise to do all I can do to bring good, strong, godly men into his life. We will be OK. We will be alright. If You ask this of him, Morgan and I will be fine."

Then, I remember stroking the precious head of my contented first born son, my tear drops landing on his soft, sweet face, and saying out loud to him;

"No matter what, we've got this. You and me? We're going to be fine."

That same night I also felt God's peace wash over me with a promise that it wasn't what He was going to ask of Morgan. Relief brought on another onslaught of tears. God has kept His promise. 

This incredible man that my kids get to call Dad is chosen. Hand picked. Loved. ❤️

Let's not take this away from them. These kids. These Dads. 

When my boys were little and Jody was first working up north, we had some long nights the boys and I. I couldn't wrestle with them. I couldn't replace their Dad. So, we improvised. There were nights they ran around and I sat on the couch and shot at them with a nerf gun. There were nights I let them toboggan and snow board down our stairs. There were nights we danced our hearts out to loud music. I parent alone a minimum of 6 months of the year. A lot of us do. We don't replace their Dads. We just do our best to fill in where we can. 

So, lets stop. Lets stop the super woman status and celebrate men. Good men. Strong men. Contributing men. Lets give them their day back and step away. 

Self Worth & Friendships

I have some pretty great friendships. Real friendships. Friendships that mean we do life together. As we just passed national Best Friend Day, I felt some pangs of overwhelming love, and some pangs of heavy loneliness for the friends that are many miles away. Also, oddly enough, I was very aware of the fact that I like to be liked. However, it can be a slippery slope when that gets attached to self worth.

I had an uncomfortable situation at work this week, and not wanting to throw anyone under the bus, I took the heat. The problem for me arose when the mistake was made fun of, blown out of proportion, and loudly announced in a condescending way that made me feel quite small and stupid. My self worth plummeted. The next day was not much better. There were verbal shots fired at me, and due to some awkward exchanges, I realized I was the topic of conversation behind my back. I could not get out of there fast enough. The inevitable had happened....

I had. I felt small. Worthless. Dull. My self talk was...

"Don't let them steal your sparkle."
"They don't get to determine your self worth."
"You're not here to make friends. You're here to help get your MENN through college."
"Just continue to do your job."

I tried to be brave. I tried to let in flow like water off a duck's back. However, all I wanted to do was get home to the safety and unconditional love of my family. I needed time alone with God. I needed time alone to earth. So, I headed to the garden. The day went well, but I still was tired and done. I struggled to sleep. Restless sleeps, both Friday and Saturday. I plugged into home. I plugged into my family. Yet still I wrestle with my worth. I needed truth.

I recognize within me the struggle to appease the power players. The ones that people cater to. Try to keep happy. It's probably my biggest struggle with self worth. 

Writing it out has helped. Praying will still continue. I need peace in my heart. The peace that passes all understanding. The knowledge that when I walk into work tomorrow, even though it's my responsibility to be an accurate, reliable, trustworthy employee, my job does not define me. I can't allow someone else to dictate my personal self worth, and my worth to the corporation that I work for. 

This brought me back full circle to my inner circle. My besties. My girls. The ladies in my life that love me unconditionally. The fierce lady friendships that have my back....

On that note, I'm going to sign off, find a book, ignore social media, and think of all my lovelies. My girls. My tribe. My precious, God given friendships. The ones who see my worth, and treasure it. 

💗

Disappointments & Fender Benders

Another first this week in our house. One of the boys was rear-ended. At a yield sign. Into oncoming traffic. I was mad. Like, spittin' mad. The person who rear-ended our son didn't even bother to stop. I went straight to DEFCON 1. Like seriously. I wanted a head, and I wanted it now! All I could think was... "Why him? Why did this have to happen to THIS kid?" God knows, because I sure don't. A cracked bumper, rattled nerves, and a sore rib. I know that it could have been so much worse. He was back in his car the next day. Albeit nervously.

It's been interesting to me lately to watch the highs and lows of life. I received some news at work that disappointed my heart, and yet, I know that my God is big. I know that He's mighty, and I know that He loves me. This is so evident. When you look to see the little things in life, like that my son was not T-Boned when he was shoved into traffic. That one of my other sons received a cheque that will ease some of his college finances, and that I am now getting new tires to help me get my family safely to California. I'm choosing to recognize the God moments along the way. When you have the ability to stop and seek. Stop and watch. It's amazing how much calmer you can maneuver the speed bumps in life. 

A Mini Fridge and A Hedley Ticket

You know those moments? The ones where you realize life has changed? Well, Saturday I had a couple of those. Moments that are exciting and yet moments that are concrete.

Morgan's in college now, and LOVING it. He's taking courses that he's thoroughly enjoying, and has met some like minded people. When he and I were talking on the phone though, it was decided that we should pick him up a mini fridge for his room. A mini fridge!! You know those daydreams when you're a kid? The one where you want your own mini fridge in your room? Well, it happened. It happened for Morgan's dorm room. Lunches were becoming harder to stomach for him as he was living off of processed canned foods. Now, he can have some healthier choices, and what Mom wouldn't be happy about THAT! 😏 So, Jody and I went off to Wal-Mart, found a smokin' deal on a black mini fridge, and I'll be dropping it off to him in 12 days. 

Nolan, my adventuresome, outgoing, endearing son, is going to Hedley. He came to me a few days ago to see if he could go, and then didn't mention it again. Well, Saturday he bought his ticket. His ticket!!! To Hedley! With friends! Real friends! My heart wanted to weep and fist pump all at the same time! This is a kid who has never really had a strong group of friends to enjoy life with, push him academically and athletically, and that can keep up with his enthusiasm for life. In the span of 5 months, he's gone from someone struggling with being a bit stormy, to being confident, happy, full of plans, and people to plan with. Did I mention he's going into the city with a group of friends? To Hedley?!? Oh, my heart...... 💗

Confirmation

OK... I had to jump on this morning. Remember yesterday when I posted this picture??

Yeah, so this was my devotional first thing this morning. WHAT ARE THE ODDS???

It’s in the Attitude

  January 22, 2018  

Read: James 1:1–12 | Bible in a Year: Exodus 4–6; Matthew 14:22–36

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Consider it pure joy . . . whenever you face trials of many kinds. James 1:2

Regina drove home from work discouraged and tired. The day had started with tragic news in a text message from a friend, then spiraled downward in meetings with co-workers who refused to work with any of her ideas. As Regina was talking to the Lord, she thought it best to put the stress of the day aside and made a surprise visit with flowers to an elderly friend at a care center. Her spirits lifted as Maria shared how good the Lord was to her. She said, "I have my own bed and a chair, three meals a day, and help from the nurses here. And occasionally God sends a cardinal to my window just because He knows I love them and He loves me."

Attitude. Perspective. As the saying goes, “Life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we react to it.” The people James wrote to were scattered because of persecution, and he asked them to consider their perspective about difficulties. He challenged them with these words: “Consider it pure joy . . . whenever you face trials of many kinds” (James 1:2). 

“Consider it pure joy . . . whenever you face trials of many kinds.” James 1:2

We are each on our own journey of learning to trust God with hard circumstances. The kind of joy-filled perspective James talked about comes as we learn to see that God can use struggles to produce maturity in our faith.

Lord, please change my attitude about hard times. Bring about joy, perseverance, and maturity in me.

God can bring times of growth out of our times of heartache.

By Anne Cetas | See Other Authors

INSIGHT

When James says, “Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position” (1:9), he reflects the paradox of Jesus’s words in the Beatitudes. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” said Jesus, describing those who are spiritually humble, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3).

No one wants to suffer, but without testing, there is no perseverance. And without perseverance, there is no spiritual growth and the eternal reward that comes with it.

How might you choose to respond when you find yourself in humble or difficult circumstances?

Tim Gustafson