The Highlight Reel....

You know those days when this happens????

Well, this has been one of those weeks for me. I can't seem to shake the "Highlight Reel Insecurities."

Facebook is bad for encouraging this, and there are days where I don't even peek because I know it's going to effect me for the negative. Now, granted I am a little hormonally unstable today, but still, this bothers me when I don't have the inner strength to self council my way through the mud.

Right now I am struggling to lose even a pound. My soggy, dandelion infested yard looks like an overgrown jungle.

My hanging baskets sit empty.

The veggie transplants in the sun room sit there growing to big for their little pots. 4 lovely raised garden beds are void of anything but soil and manure. My cookie jar is empty.

Jody and I were both fighting colds and busy schedules when he was home this time, and so I sent him back to work yesterday feeling like we had no time to just sit and stare at each other. MENN just want it to be summer break, and quite frankly so do I. This currently is how I feel.

As the craziness of the day took over, and MEN (Nolan was home sick) each hollered "Love you Mom!" as they were piling out of the van at school, why did I fight tears? When I popped into facebook quickly to answer a PM, why did I fight tears again? Walking past a full length mirror just about sent me over the edge.... A song, I tear up. A sink full of dishes, I sigh.

 

 

Some days just feel like a "life in the trenches kind of day". Today is one of those days.

I guess I'm sharing all of this because I have these days too. Days that I can't wait to crawl into bed. Days where I wonder if this is all there is. Tomorrow will feel better. I know this. As I plug through the list of chores, things start to feel more manageable. In 45 minutes I will take some time to put on my "game face" and get ready for the after school rush. I have to.

So, as I sit here typing this, watching Timber track yet another set of paw prints across the floor,

but knowing I have the blessing of a bed with clean sheets waiting for me tonight,

I will remember a wonderful question my husband asks me almost daily,

That we all have these days, and to be mindful in the future to be

 "Highlight Real".

Not just:

"Highlight Reel".

Homesick

Today I am homesick. Now part of it is due to this beautiful video that Dylan Miles put together;

http://youtu.be/Bb1V4vhsRYI

But, some days are just going to be hard no matter what. It started a bit last night when it started to rain at soccer. Our family loves rain. Now, back home in Sointula it could get to be a bit much by the 10th day in a row, but for the most part now, we miss it. When rain starts, my MENN run outside in as little clothing as possible to experience it to the fullest.

Last night it started to rain. Now I don't mean Sointula rain, I mean more of a "spit". The funny thing was, Ethan, Nolan, Nathan and I, turned our faces upward, and with big goofy smiles, just stood there enjoying the feel and smell. The other players and parents put up hoods, sat under the bleachers, or re-treated to their vehicles. Not us Wet Coasters! We were all in!

It reminded me of a soccer game 5 years ago when Ethan played U10. It was POURING! And I mean pouring! The fields were soaked, kids were miserable, the teenage ref wanted to call the game, and there was not a parent to be seen. Except me and one other Dad. There we stood in our Wellies and rain coats. Alone. The other parents had gone to wait it out in their vehicles and honk in appreciation to the kids efforts. Now I'm not critizing here! Honest, if you stick with me you'll understand.

The Dad looked at me and said;

"You're going to stick it out are you?"

Me; "Yep. I've always told my boys that I would never make them play in weather I wasn't willing to stand in with them." Said with a soggy, wet smile.

Then he asked;

"Where are you from?"

Me: "The west coast. You?"

Him; "Scotland!"

We had a good chuckle about our water logged history, finished watching the game, and took our soggy kids home.

The part I find amusing is that when our boys were attending Bashaw School, it was always so odd to us how there would be a row of vehicles dropping off kids on rainy days and teachers calling inside recesses, and yet my boys would trudge up the hill in the rain, and want to have outside recess. Then, you'd have me driving my boys to school on days where it was -20 and wondering how the heck they were supposed to play outside in THAT? But, all the little Albertans would be bundled up to the eye slits, walking to school and playing in the snow banks! This has amused my poor family for years! Even Nathan and Nolan, who have spent more years here in Bashaw then in Sointula, are still wired for coastal weather.

So, yes. Today I am homesick. Homesick for flowers, soggy green grass, mountains, rivers, fresh salty air, and the comfort of a walk through the woods, or along the beach. I miss seeing my little MENN bundled up in puddle suits and rain boots. I miss the familiar sound of rain pounding on the roof. I miss hanging soggy jackets by the crackling wood stove to dry. Most of all though? I just miss home and all the precious memories and people that are attached to it's loveliness. 

                                    

Courage Through The Pain

A couple months ago I found this on facebook...




For some reason this really hit home to me. I think in analogies quite often and this described faith perfectly to me. Faith doesn't take away the pain. It's helps you deal with it. I feel the same about courage.

As I continue to watch my MENN grow up, I am continually reminded how often they need to push down the pain or discomfort and dig deep for their courage. This week I was shown again.

2 years ago Ethan broke his leg quite badly playing soccer. Last spring he wasn't quite ready to get back onto the field, and I was right there with him. The thought of him out there didn't agree with me either. He worked hard though, swimming and playing other sports, and managed to build his muscle back up, but he ended up missing two seasons worth of soccer skills. This made him nervous. This year he decided he wanted to play again and was put on a team with a great group of boys. However, quite a few of the boys on his team played indoor soccer all winter, and they all are used to working together and relying on each other. Again with the nerves. Every day after soccer practice he would tell me that he felt like he didn't fit in, and that he was worried he'd let his team down. He also admitted to me that he was now afraid of the ball, and afraid to fight for it.....I didn't blame him. So, I would listen to him vent, validate how he was feeling, and then encourage him to try to push past the fear a little bit more every practice. Saturday it payed off. Saturday he played his first game, and it was also part of a tournament.

At first I could tell he was nervous. The ball would come to him, and he would just get rid of it. Then came the moment. He was about 15 feet away from where I was sitting and the ball came to him. He looked about to panic and send it off when I called out;

"You've got time!"

With that, his head came up, he settled the ball, got around the player coming at him, and as he headed up field with the ball, heard one of his team members (who was bookin' it up the field) yell;

"Send it!"

He sent the ball flying to the player who called for it. My boy was back in the game! I'm not gonna lie, I teared up a bit. He had momentarily faced his giant, and won. Confidence was restored. However, with every forward movement there is a set back, and he fought his lack of confidence through the entire tournament. In the end, he had assisted his team all the way to win gold, and he could clearly see what he needed to improve, and where he was an asset. Also, when all was said and done, he came to me and said;

"Mom, I also made a few new friends today!"

Nathan's was also through soccer. One day in the kitchen, Nathan expressed to me that he knew he was a bit of a poor sport when it came to losing. I thought it was because he was the youngest and could rarely beat the older 3 boys in anything. He set me straight. He explained that every year he has played soccer, he's been on a winning team. He's never really learnt how to lose at a sport graciously. This intrigued me, but instead of flogging the topic, I let it drop. Last week he had his first soccer practice and I watched as dread spread over his face. He had been placed on a team with a lot of first time players, and to make things worse, his coach was female... :) This worries him, and makes me smile. However, again, I bit my tongue! So, after practice last Wednesday, Nathan and I were walking across the field, when he dropped his giant on me. He had waited until we were out of ear shot of his coach and other players and said to me;

"Mom, remember how I said I struggled with being a poor sport? Well, I think this year I'm gonna learn that lesson."

I have to admit, as hard as it will be to watch, I kind of hope he does... :)

Nolan's was a bit different. It happened on Saturday during a 3 KM race he ran called Ole's Spring Run Off. He was super pumped to be running this race with his Triathlon club and was in a great mood to start the morning. We arrived at the park location, and as the music blasted and people arrived, you could feel the energy building. As the warm up started and Nolan was getting ready, he looked at me and said;

"I'm glad you haven't given me the 'It's OK to run until you feel like puking!' speech."

I laughed at him and told him to just go have fun, and no matter what, I was super proud of him. He gave me a hug and off he went. When the run started, I ran around to different check points taking photos of him and cheering him on. When he came rippin' across the finish line he came straight to me and said;

"My legs are burning and I feel like puking! But that was so fun!"

Ummmm....OK. I'm sorry, but seriously? Who is his real Mom?? Anyway! I was so proud of him for pushing himself. Then he said;

"I like this way better then cross country even!"

That spoke volumes because the boy LOVES Cross Country.

He was pumped! Out of 62 competitors he placed 12th overall. Out of his age group, he placed 4th. The best part of the day though was when he came to me with a huge smile and said;

"I don't even care about where I placed! I just wanna run!"

Bless his heart!

Beauty

As many of you know, I started a project a year and a half ago with my camera. I needed practice behind the lens, and I wanted to show my friends, who struggle with being in front of the lens, that they truly are beautiful. I was surprised how many women turned me down. It made me so sad to think about how hard we are on ourselves. When I look at the amazing women I am surrounded by on a daily basis, it actually chokes me up to know that they cannot see what I see. Now, I recognize that I'm the biggest hypocrite of them all here, because I struggle to see it in myself too. My husband can tell me that I'm beautiful daily (and he does, bless his heart) but do I believe him? Not really. I can if he's a bit more intentional though.

If he tells me my hair looks great that day, or he likes the rear view of the jeans I'm wearing, or that my sweater fits me nicely, THAT I can believe. But the whole package? Why is that so hard to accept? I can tell you IN DETAIL my favorite features of each and every one of the women I photographed. Can I tell you mine? Hmmmm...maybe. Let's see;

- I like the color of my eyes.
-

OK....I've been sitting here paused now for probably 3 minutes. Good grief! My eyes??? That's it?

Anyway, I watched this link this morning and thought it was so telling. What a fantastic way to hit us all between the eyes.

 http://youtu.be/XpaOjMXyJGk

Celebrating Timber

Some of you are probably thinking that I'm nuts to celebrate my dog, but he truly is a reason to celebrate. He's actually a bit of a miracle.

Timber is our pure-bred German Shepherd, and today, Timber turns 4. He was only supposed to live maybe a year. If he did live longer then a year, he was never supposed to walk without a terrible limp, be able to run properly, or live a good quality life. He has conquered them all.

I'm not sure if part of our incredible love for him was born out of our desire to "love him better", or if he just suits the family so well, we can't imagine life without him. Either way, we love our family guardian.

Timber has this uncanny ability to know who needs him. If one of the boys is having a rough night of bad dreams, or had a tough day, he will sleep with whoever it is. If someone needs to wrap their arms around his thick, furry neck, he will lay there as long as they need, and then lay his head in their lap just as a bonus. If he feels any nervousness from me, he sticks pretty close. He will also do a perimeter sweep of the yard, check that everyone is safely in bed, and then once satisfied, lay across the front door. He has accepted many of my friend's children as part of his "peeps."

He'll fight with Grandma on the stairs and in the kitchen, nip at the boys, or trip them, if they are mis-behaving, harass me whenever I'm trying to leave without him, and barks at Dad every-single-time- he walks through the door. (I'm sure it's just to get a rise out of him!)  He loves to lay in the chair he claimed as a puppy, which has a perfect vantage point to watch the inner workings of the home. He still lays down to eat his food, even though he now has more then enough strength to stand. He can communicate his needs for the basics of life as well as a few tricks he can pull out to surprise us. He gets upset with me if he is outside when it's time to wake up the boys, because he loves that part of the mornings. I just have to say the word, and he will run up the stairs to his buddies.

On evenings of intense Thunder and Lightning storms, Timber will go find a boy to hide him. He will go flying upstairs, or down to the living room, and find a corner of a bed, closet, or under a desk, where some kid will invariably hide him and then keep him company until it's over. Not because they are scared, but because they recognize that Timber now needs them.

To this crazy dog, I am Mom. He treats me with adoring love and respect, hates when I leave home, but also saves his shenanigans for me! The boys are like siblings to him. They fight, they play, they harass, they run, they tackle, and they love fiercely. Grandma is Grandma. She will lay down the law if needed, but prefers to love him up in the kitchen with tasty morsels, (which is against the rules, I might add!), and is always more then happy to spoil him a bit. Dad is meant to be respected, obeyed, but played with constantly, and harassed beyond belief. Timber was made for our family.

So, yes! Today we celebrate Timer! We celebrate his ability to love, protect, amuse, and bring immense joy to our family! We celebrate our family protector..... :)

Putting On My Game Face.

One of my most favourite parenting lessons was learning to put on my game face. As I have said before, I'm a huge advocate for teaching my boys to have courage, and part of this comes from the term... "Game Face."

In the rush of the morning routine, I will quite often walk upstairs to wake up the boys (and yes, I shouldn't have to wake them up, and yes, they are old enough for an alarm, and yes, that should be their responsibility.....BUT, we will save that for a different debate and blog post!)and I say to myself;

"OK girl, time for your game face. Quiet time is over, smile in place, happy voice loaded and ready. It's go time."

It doesn't always end how it started, and sometimes it's starts poor and ends well, but it's all about the game face.

I recognized a need for it first during labour. I had to have a conversation with myself that went something like this;

"Pull yourself together girl! It's not about you! Put your game face on, do what you were built to do, and deal with getting this baby born!"

Did I mention I had to push for 4 hours? And that they still had to vacume him out?? And he was 9lbs7oz? Again, that's a whole different blog post!

Anyway! Other scenarios for game face now come in the form of comments like;

"Mom, can I talk to you?" or "Mom, I didn't do very well on my test." or "Mom, what does ______ (insert your own scary word!) mean?"  That would be my personal favourite. Or, "Mom, I'm worried." OR when they all come bursting through the door after school.

All these scenarios force me to take a minute, switch gears, get my game face on, and even stop what I'm doing, so whomever needs me has my undivided attention. They are depending on me to set the tone for the house, conversation, dilemma, or how they need to respond to themselves emotionally. Sometimes we even make a mug of tea to help us sort through it. Most of the time they can talk their way through it themselves and come up with a solution on their own.....with a bit of guidance. It's usually a case of me just giving them the time to sort it out, without trying to fix it for them, rescue them, degrade them, or de-value how they're feeling. It's about the grace to validate, then move on to a solution. I want them, as men, husbands, and fathers, to be able to tackle a challenge, whatever it may be, with courage, determination, accountability, grace, and compassion. Full circle back to game face.

In my world, that means coming at something calmly, graciously, and with your head and heart fully engaged. My latest "Game Face" pep talk to myself has come because we are gearing up for our family's busy sports season. I NEED to be ready. I will be running 5 days a week to different sports venues, trying to feed everyone nutritiously, keep up with laundry, homework, baking, finances, emotional needs, husband needs, school council needs, AND maintain a gentle and loving attitude towards the people who come across my path. I need to be able to set the household tone properly for the next 4 months. Game face.

I have a little game face motion that I do to my boys, as they are heading onto the soccer field, running track, swimming pool, Taekwon Do ring, basketball court, or any other area of life I feel it's needed. I motion my hands over my face in a circular way. The boys know this to mean;

"Good luck! I'm praying for you! Give em' heck! I'm proud of you! And GAME FACE ON!"

Usually I get a little smile, or wave, sometimes a cheeky shake of the head, but always they know what it means. They know I've set the tone, and no matter what, we will get through it together. Whether we celebrate or re-asses.

Even though I know we are all busy, and I know we all have different areas of our worlds that drain us or try our patience, girls, we need to be ready. We need to be aware of the tone we set because these precious kids depend on it. And if we screw up? Call it for what it is, apologize, smother it in grace, and move on. And if your kid screws up? Call it for what it is, forgive, smother it in grace, and move on.

Tally Ho!

PS: By the way, if any of you happen to see me looking slightly frazzled over the next few months remember.... Circular motions inward over your face at me. I'll happily take the hint and encouragement!

Thirst

This morning my Mom and I were having a conversation over my green tea and her (extremely yummy smelling!) coffee. I was expressing to her a constant frustration of mine with a person close to me, and my Mom suggested maybe it was time to play hard ball. I probably sighed, and I know I responded with;

"I know, but it's that whole 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink' thing."

In my frustration, I tend to want to drag the person to the water and shove their head into it... :) BUT, that never works. So, this is where my Mom's wisdom came in. My Mom told me about something she had read earlier in the week. She said;

"Sweetie, you might not be able to make the person drink, but you can sure make them thirsty."

For me it was like a light bulb went on. It was so true. Drinking a glass of water, when you're not thirsty, is not something a person would normally do. At least not in my world! It also rarely happens when I'm all comfy cozy and curled up in bed! However, on a hot day, after mowing the lawn, or going for a fast walk, or being on the treadmill, or stacking firewood, or just plain doing something to get me sweaty and thirsty, I'm all over the water. I'm thirsty, and I want water. You don't have to force me at all. In fact, I would probably be grouchy if I was denied it! It made sense.

So, it just made me think about how many times we struggle to get someone to drink the proverbial water, when really it's not our job. They have to choose to want it, or be plain old thirsty.

It also made me think of the times God must look at me and say;

"OK Ellerie! You are going to have to get thirsty."

Whether it's to teach me a lesson, or humble my pride, or just send me a challenge.

I am thankful for the desire to drink. I am thankful for the gift of choice. I am thankful that God doesn't ram my head into the water.

Thirst. The desire to do something to change the situation.