We don't struggle with rebellious hearts amongst our MENN.
They've chosen to disobey at times, but blatant defiance or rebellion has never really been an issue. When they were really little, they were disciplined for the 3 D's. Disrespect, disobedience and defiance. Since it was usually one of the first 2, we never really had too many defiant moments. If the decision to disobey came into question, generally it was done out of a place of human selfishness, rather then a place of blatant rebellion. Make sense? As they got older we'd have a discussion on why they chose the way they did. It was usually quite enlightening....
Anyway, over a year ago I read an article on teaching boys about consent. It really criticized Moms and put the ball in our court. It stated that we are the first women in our boys lives and we teach them that no means no. By giving in to their demands and not sticking to our guns with our no, we're teaching them that if they push hard enough they can get their way. I sat back..... Was that true? Was there truth to that statement??? All of a sudden I was like.... "Gah! I've failed!!! I've given in. I've allowed them to push a bit until I said yes! Even when I would have preferred to say no!" OR, felt guilty.
Then I took a chill pill and the mulling started. Really? I get where the author was coming from, (you can see this way of thinking in quite a few cultures) but it really didn't take into account the exhausted Mom, who gave into tv, because she could nap in the chair. It didn't take into account the Mom who needed just 10 more minutes to finish supper so she gave in to more iPad time. Stuff like that.... Then I started the boiling down process.
For example, our boys don't really have a curfew. They've never really needed one. Until recently. After a bit of a struggle, discussion, and negotiation, we all came to the conclusion that they should be home by 10:30 PM on one of my work nights, and all other nights are negotiable based on need. My work nights can be negotiated based on need as well, like a concert, or something where the date and time are set by an outside source. The reason? I don't always sleep well after 4:30 AM, and so my pre-midnight sleep is very precious to me. I also don't sleep very well knowing the boys aren't home, and so I was getting sleep deprived. Rather then make a rule, we had a discussion on the problem and tried to figure out a fix. The boys all understood and were happy to accommodate my sleep schedule. Not out of obedience, but out of love and respect for my needs too. They know I struggle with Chronic Fatigue syndrome. They know I struggle with migraines when sleep deprived. They've seen it, and they get it. However, I also understand that they are all young MENN with social lives, and so that is why I'm willing to negotiate.
Now, I recognize here that the question of sneaking out arises, but that would be more an act of rebellion for them, and like I stated earlier, that's not who they are. They may push the curfew a bit, like you know....You're out, you're having fun, you don't want to leave, so the curfew gets pushed to 10:45 or 10:58.... 😏 That's more of a selfish human nature issue then a rebellion issue. I get it. I push limits too. Ever calculated just that sweet spot number where you know you can push the speed limit but they won't stop you? Yeah, selfish human nature. Now, ripping' it at 130 through a school zone? Defiant rebellion.... So, yeah. Sneaking out is not a problem in our house. Plus, you might get out.... But you'd NEVER get back in unannounced.
(Have I ever mentioned how much I love this guy?? 😍)
Stuff like this is what keeps bringing me back to thoughts on that article. When they were little, I taught them to obey their Mama with a heart of love. I didn't teach them to be obedient robots. I taught them that sometimes rules can be negotiated. I didn't teach them to push until they got their way. I taught them to love me. I taught them to respect me. As their Mom I knew from day one I was raising some lucky girl's husband. I was raising some lucky kids Dad. It wasn't about obedience. It wasn't about consent. It's about teaching them to love. It's about teaching them to be empathetic. It's about teaching them to respect the needs of others. It's about teaching them to look past their own immediate gratification and to deny themselves for the sake of the good of others. I think that's what it is about.
So tired, exhausted Mamas.... Don't feel bad when you get railroaded into something, but make it a teachable moment. Open up the discussion, open up the debate. Don't just make a rule that the kiddos have to obey, but also don't let them get away with whatever they want! Teach them.
Teach them to love you. Teach them to respect you. Allow them to be right and acknowledge it. Teach them that they will be wrong and to admit it. Then teach them to love some more..... 💗
You won't regret it.
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