Sunday, 10 June 2018

Self Worth & Friendships

I have some pretty great friendships. Real friendships. Friendships that mean we do life together. As we just passed national Best Friend Day, I felt some pangs of overwhelming love, and some pangs of heavy loneliness for the friends that are many miles away. Also, oddly enough, I was very aware of the fact that I like to be liked. However, it can be a slippery slope when that gets attached to self worth.

I had an uncomfortable situation at work this week, and not wanting to throw anyone under the bus, I took the heat. The problem for me arose when the mistake was made fun of, blown out of proportion, and loudly announced in a condescending way that made me feel quite small and stupid. My self worth plummeted. The next day was not much better. There were verbal shots fired at me, and due to some awkward exchanges, I realized I was the topic of conversation behind my back. I could not get out of there fast enough. The inevitable had happened....

I had. I felt small. Worthless. Dull. My self talk was...

"Don't let them steal your sparkle."
"They don't get to determine your self worth."
"You're not here to make friends. You're here to help get your MENN through college."
"Just continue to do your job."

I tried to be brave. I tried to let in flow like water off a duck's back. However, all I wanted to do was get home to the safety and unconditional love of my family. I needed time alone with God. I needed time alone to earth. So, I headed to the garden. The day went well, but I still was tired and done. I struggled to sleep. Restless sleeps, both Friday and Saturday. I plugged into home. I plugged into my family. Yet still I wrestle with my worth. I needed truth.

I recognize within me the struggle to appease the power players. The ones that people cater to. Try to keep happy. It's probably my biggest struggle with self worth. 

Writing it out has helped. Praying will still continue. I need peace in my heart. The peace that passes all understanding. The knowledge that when I walk into work tomorrow, even though it's my responsibility to be an accurate, reliable, trustworthy employee, my job does not define me. I can't allow someone else to dictate my personal self worth, and my worth to the corporation that I work for. 

This brought me back full circle to my inner circle. My besties. My girls. The ladies in my life that love me unconditionally. The fierce lady friendships that have my back....

On that note, I'm going to sign off, find a book, ignore social media, and think of all my lovelies. My girls. My tribe. My precious, God given friendships. The ones who see my worth, and treasure it. 


1 comment:

  1. Love you- makes me mad that someone is trying to steal your happiness. You are a strong beautiful friend. Never change xoxo