Conclusions....

I came to a conclusion this week. I'm a working Mom.

I've never been a full time working Mom before and I realized this week that I need to change my thinking. I've worked part time before, but I'm full time now. With that comes a mind shift. Better time management, more grace with myself, and learning to be a bit better organized. Also, the art of learning to ask for help, or the boundary of a simple no.

I think this will help me. I think it will keep me on track and keep me from feeling like I'm a stay at home Mom, with a part time job, who is working far to much. Make sense? Shift in thinking.

It's funny how our kids can help put things in perspective too. Yesterday I decided I needed to meal plan for the week, and then grocery shop for that. While sitting in my recliner chair, mug of Peppermint tea close by, starring at a blank piece of paper, Ethan walked over, sat on the arm of my chair, put his arm around my shoulders, and rattled off 6 dinner ideas. All great, all healthy, all perfect for the week. Done! I've also come to realize this week that my weight has plateaued a bit on my way down. In all fairness, this is where I plateaued for a bit on the way up as well. So, I decided to plan my lunches better for the week too. Something I could eat at work in my car, or once I got home. Depending on the day. So I found this recipe....

https://www.eazypeazymealz.com/greek-chicken-bowls-meal-prep-easy/ 

This morning I was super stoked to get going on my grocery list, when I looked at the recipe and sighed.... It looked like to much work. Effort. I was already tired. That's when Nolan came up to me, took the recipe I had printed off, read it, and declared very matter of fact; "It doesn't look too hard. You should just do it!" So, I wrote down the ingredients I needed, as well as the missing supper ones, and headed for the grocery store. Done!

A shift in thinking, encouragement and help from the boys, and life felt manageable. Good even!  

I think a lot about the woman from Proverbs 31. To me she is someone to strive to be, and yet, it also can feel very intimidating. I have 3 personal favourite women in the bible. Ruth (The Book of Ruth), Abigail (1 Samuel 25), and an unknown woman who is listed as "Wise"(2 Samuel 20:14 - 22) If you haven't already, you need to at least read that last one! 😏 These women were imperfect, lovely, godly, and they got er' done. Maybe not the way we modern women would do it, but they had courage, strength of character, and a willing heart to lean on God and do what they needed to do. Love it!! 💝

First Week.... Complete!

What a crazy first week of January! Worked full time, sent my firstborn off to college, sent my hubby back to work, learned how to make a movie, and started packing for California. You know what stood out? 2 things.... The importance of a good bye, and the beauty of music.

First, the good bye...


I have lived more life with my first born then without. Now, I don't know about all you other Mama's out there, but that was a significant realization for me. I was young when I had him, and I'm young sending him out to college.

 Morgan and I when he was 10 months old.

Summer before kindergarten.

First day of kindergarten

Off to college.

Saying goodbye wasn't easy. So much to say, but I had limited time, and an un-private moment. How do you express in under 3 minutes your pride, love, care, concern, loyalty, and all those other last minute things? You don't. You hope, pray, and hand him over (yet, again!) to God. This is it. This is the test. You hope you've trained, disciplined, taught, and loved enough. I felt ripped off on the goodbye. Watched. It felt awkward. However, he is off on the next phase of his life journey, enjoying college, living away from home, and hopefully learning how to be a fair, just, compassionate, yet tough, police officer. I can't even imagine the pain and heartache in sending your son off to war. A piece of your heart must die. 

Now, music.... 

We love music in our home and play it often. Everyones playlist is different, and the variation of us all ranges from Electric Bagpipes, to Andrea Bocelli, Charlie Puth, Taylor Swift, Starset, For King & Country, The Piano Guys, ZZ Top, Ed Sheeran, Fergie, and even Nickelback. The lists and genres are endless! Music can make or break a mood, movie, atmosphere, or car ride.

This past week I needed to help my second son make a movie for a school project. He did a fabulous job in front of the camera, but the movie really needed music. So, I called on my youngest son who hides his musical talent better then anyone I know. Within 10 minutes he had created an original piece of music that fit the video better then anything I could have imagined. Here it is;

https://youtu.be/woHj9eT9NZI 

This kid never ceases to amaze me. When I asked him when he's going to stop hiding his talent under a bushel, his reply with a shy, blushy smile was.. "It's warm and cozy under my bushel." 😂

Oh, and one more highlight of the week? I can't miss THIS shoutout! My third son finished all of his certification to be a Lifeguard and a Water Safety Instructor! So, now BOTH middle boys are trained and ready. So proud of them. Let me tell you.... There is a lot of time, effort, hard work, and money that goes into that. So, the next time you are frustrated with your kids swim teacher? Please remember that once upon time, these kids were little too.... 😍

Lifeguard #1

Lifeguard #2

So, getting back off my rabbit trail, Yes.... Goodbyes, and music. Both done properly leave the soul right where it should be. Both done wrong? Can leave your soul unsettled and off it's axes. 

This is currently a favourite.... 😍😊

https://youtu.be/eiDiKwbGfIY

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!! 

Well 2018? Here We Are.

2018. Wow. Another year zipped by with hardly a blink of the eye. Did it go as I'd hoped? Probably not, and yet, some awesomeness did come out of it. I do however feel as though I'm skidding sideways into 2018, slightly wobbly, unsure, and with trepidation for what's to come.

One of the things I am coming to terms with is my own limitations. I struggle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have since I was 15. I spent New Years Eve this year sound asleep. Again. While my family was awake and enjoying each others company. This makes me want to cry. The illness can create a loneliness in me that's hard to explain. I miss out on a lot because of it. Yet, I also manage to live life a lot brighter then some. It's a balancing act.

I did find it easier to balance when the boys were younger, but I was in control; of bedtime. Now that they're older, and evening people, it's more hard to figure it all out. Anyway, that was my New Years Eve.

Onward and upward. Happy New Year!

The Ripple Effect.

Due to selfish people, 4 degrees of separation away, my son now has to walk 6.7 kilometres to work.

We're dealing with 2 pebbles, from 2 different sources, that converged into one very turbulent situation.

It's interesting and sad to me how this happens. Adults, and now sadly kids, are marching through life, looking out for number 1, completely unaware of how wide their ripples go. Can you imagine the awesomeness that could happen if the ripples were positive?

Th incredible reality of this hit me like a brick this morning. I have to head into work. On my day off. Which means I'm not here for my boys. So, now 2 of them have to get themselves to work. One on bike, one on foot. Both have kilometres to go. 

Now, I'm not saying that this is a bad experience for them altogether. It's good for them to understand how far reaching these things are. But, as a Mom? It sucks. Big time. I will worry until I hear from them. I will need to pray, and let go. Again.

The ripple effect started with higher up decisions, from people we don't know. Some live 1000's of kilometres away. People who decided to not take into consideration the lives of the people on the front lines. This created a situation that resulted in someone I know feeling the negative effects. Which in turn, left me feeling them and needing to pick up some pieces, which led to my kids not having me home like promised. Not being able to help them. A few people, 4 degrees away, not paying attention to their ripple. A few ADULTS, not caring how they charge through life, leaving the end result on the lives of kids. How sad..... How far too common.

Now, I could get judged for not saying no. I could set boundaries, I could stay home. However this is where the cross over of ripples happens. There is literally no one else to step in. Due to decisions made by other adults, it has created a situation where we are constantly in a state of transition and short staffed. Do you lock the door and walk away? Maybe.... I'm not sure. 

So, today as we all go about our day, please be mindful of just how far reaching your actions go. Please know that because of looking out for your own agenda, or making decisions that benefit you, your actions could be effecting a family 4 degrees of separation away. Kids who should never be left to pick up the pieces from inconsiderate adult actions.

Fall.....

I love fall. Always have, always will.

For some reason, fall always means a fresh start to me. I know that January is supposed too, but January feels like the halfway mark to me all the time. I've realized that in myself, I sigh a sigh of relief once August hits. August to December is the time of year that I love, and thrive. 

As a young Mom I canned, I preserved, I made jam, I froze produce, all in anticipation of the cozy winter months to come. Apples were chopped, grated, dried, and stored. Pies were made, berries were picked. Rhubarb was chopped. Pickles were made. All winter long we had muffins, pies, crisps, jam, and home canned fruit. Oh, and did I mention cinnamon? Mmmmm.... 

When the boys were little, it would mean breaking out the light toques, fleece coats and coveralls, warmer socks, and rubber boots. We would seek out pumpkin patches, wagon rides, fall festivals, and anything to supplement our own little pumpkin patch that we planted each year. 

As the boys grew up, the pumpkin patch still became a fun memory, but was different of sorts. Fall became more about cross country running, chunky sweaters, boots, family photos, and the busyness of school starting up. We used pumpkins and apples as a fundraiser for their school, and fruit runs to Davison Orchards became a big event!

What do I want for this fall? For time to slow down a bit. For the busyness that is our new life to just pause. I want to sniff the crisp air, take some long walks to enjoy the changing colours. To sit by an outdoor fire, wrapped in a blanket. 

I'm still doing some storing up for winter. I'm still loving hauling out the boots, sweaters, toques, and fleece. But it changes. There are no more runny noses to wipe.  There are no more rosy cheeks to kiss until they're warm. There are no more kids making a disaster of my leaf pile. Just big strapping boys who can chop and haul wood for hours. MENN who burst in the door asking what's for supper. Warm coffee, hot tea, apple cider, and hearty soups. The requests are for homemade buns and chowders or stews. 

Life marches on. We adjust to the new normal, but I'm still in love with fall. Still love the crisp air. Still inhale and exhale the beauty of colour..... And can I let you in on a secret? I may actually be starting to look forward to when Jody and I are empty nesters and can take off to the East Coast for the ultimate Autumn showdown.... 😏

Getting Back At It...

Wondering this morning if I'll ever figure this out. This happy medium between being authentic to who I am, and not caring what others think.

I censor. A lot. More then most can imagine. I hide, I clam up, I swallow my opinions. Most people don't get to see the real me, and I think I'm OK with that. I've been burned to many times. However, shouldn't we be able to just be? Respectfully? Hmmmm....

Social media is such a blessing and also such a joy killer. I'm wondering how many of us would enter an auditorium with all of our posts strapped to a billboard on our chest and still feel good about them.

There has to be a balance between being authentic, vulnerable, private, and true.

With families expanding, growing, changing, and moving so far apart, that poses a whole new set of challenges. We are related, we love, but other then blood, what are the common strands that make us family?

We all have family members that we've never met, and yet we'd expect to get along famously if we were all thrown into a big room together. We tend to want to forget that there are always political, moral, cultural, and faith differences amongst us. Building friendships is similar. It can all be going fine and dandy until something gets uncomfortable. How does a person truly just cover it in grace and love?

Which brings me back to my original thought. How do I stay authentic to who I am, blog from my heart, while finding the balance between vulnerability and too much?

Thoughts for today....

Blessings... 💝

It's All Part Of The Journey

I haven't been able to blog for years. I've been too raw. Every time I'd start to type, I'd cry. I'm not totally prepared to bare it all on the internet yet, but let's just say, it's been quite the journey. A very hard, semi-private one. I need to get back to blogging. My soul craves it.

This past weekend was part of my healing. It was about giving myself permission to love life again and be OK with asking for what I need or even would like. It was about a safe place to celebrate me, and the unconditional love of my valuable friendships. I failed. My heart was hurting and confused, and I didn't "Roar" quite loud enough, or soon enough. I didn't allow myself too. I shut down and internalized. I thought I had communicated well, but I hadn't. It's hard to believe that a 6 hour glitch can taint 81 hours of amazingness, but it did for me. It weighed me down. I can't allow it too. I will learn from it, grow from it, speak about it, and "Let It Go!"

I can still hear the laughter from some absolutely CRAZY fun times. I can still feel the deep emotions of the conversations around the table. I can still see the determined, and adventurous facial expressions of our "Fit & Forty" team, as we worked (and laughed!) together to get us down the river. 

The extreme awesomeness, that was this weekend, will live on in my memory bank like it was, one of the best weekends of my life, full of many laughs until the tears leaked down our legs! 

Heather. 

Where do I even start? I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, but I know God smiled the day He created you, and I like to think He planned us for each other. You've lived my crazy with me since we were 7, and loved me regardless. We've seen more life together then two young girls should've had to. Whenever I felt unlovable, you always fought for our friendship. When I was insecure, you were my normal. When I was rough, you were my gentle. When I was raw, you were the cool cloth. When I struggled to find my laugh, you were my laughter. When I lost my sparkle, you helped me find it. When I falter, you raise the bar and hold me accountable. I mean it. You've been a rock for me. The fact that you came all the way out for this weekend was so special, it still makes me tear up. I tell my MENN all the time that I wished everyone was able to have a Heather, and yet I hate when I have to share mine... :) 

Amanda.

 

We've lived A LOT of life side by side! From two very opposite teenage girls, to two very opposite women, I would hate to ever be required to have to do life without you. Who would I have had to help me under my wedding dress? Or wear a bikini in front of for the first time? Or open my first package of.... Oh, never mind.  Many years ago you described us as bread and butter, and to this day I treasure that. Opposites, yet inseparable and perfect together. When we moved to Alberta, I told Jody that I needed to be within an hour of you. You were strength and comfort to me. You were home. You've helped me come out of my shell, and pushed me out of my very tiny comfort zones. You broke through extremely thick barriers of mine and encouraged me to love myself. You've given me the ability to embrace my incredible need for adventure. You shoot from the hip, and love me like a sister. You are family. You're an awesome Aunt to my MENN, a crazy sister to my husband, and one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. You bring out my wild, and accept me when I'm quiet. You have this amazing ability to light up any room you walk in to, and I can't help but smile when you do. As I continue to learn to find my voice, there is no question in my heart that I know you will always have my back, and I can't think of anyone I trust more with it. You are a blessing. 

Kristie.

God SO knew we needed each other, and I know our friendship has been a life line for us both. You made me feel normal. When I needed unconditional love, you were there to shower it on me and love me despite my quirks and culture. When I felt like a fish out of water, you kept splashing me until I found the courage to jump back into my ocean. When I finally stopped trying to "fit in", you were there to hug me, wipe my tears, and tell me that I "belonged" with you. You have tough loved me, and cried with me. You've laughed hysterically with me, and napped with me. You've sent me to bed and scrubbed my toilet. You brought my son pants. You've loved my softer side, but helped me toughen up.  My favourite trait of us is that we cover each others butts. No explanation needed. I call, you're there. You call, my hubby busts down the bathroom door. I couldn't wish for a better friend to guard my heart, cover my butt, and enjoy my morbid sense of humour with. We've been mistaken as partners, we've been looked at like sister wives. Let them wonder. That's half the fun.... :) 

Tanya.

My sister from another Mother. The East to my West. The salmon Lulu to my purple Lulu. The flower Bogs to my paisley Bogs. You are the epitome of that sister/friend that God had to place in another family, as He knew our Mothers couldn't handle us both! Could you even imagine?!? I am so sorry that God had to move you all the way across the country because I was praying for a much needed friend. One who could plunk down on my couch, ask me what was for supper, stay for hours, and live life with me side by side. One who could understand the loneliness of moving away from all that was familiar and secure. To not have the network of family. To figure out life in a different culture with. One who filled my heart with the familiar. You know my MENN like no there friend does. You know (and laugh!) at all our Ethanisms, you took the time to know our precious introvert Nathan, you allowed Nolan to be the "big brother" to your kids, and you helped shape Morgan into the amazing young man he is today. The day you moved, I cried myself dry.  Thank you for allowing me into your life. Thank you for being an answer to my prayers.  Thank you for staying with me through the valley and celebrating with me on the other side. You are 1 in a million!

This is what I will remember from the "Fit & Forty" Birthday Bash. A group of friends from different walks of life, corners of the country, and types of relationships, coming together to love me, to celebrate me, and to honour me. A group of friends so close to my heart that I could burst with gratitude. 

Thank you girls! You are all loved more then you could ever know! Peace out... :)